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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 2nd May 2022
aims to help spoiled children get pony, new iPhone, skiing holiday
A pony, similar to one being demanded to be bought by a spoiled child yesterday
Hoping to piggyback on the hugely successful and vitally important Childline, a new company in the UK has adapted the format to help children whose parents may not be supplying the necessary goods and services to enable their children to properly function in the manner of their own egocentric self-choosing, it was reported last week.
'There are thousands of children out there whose parents just don't see the social and hierarchical benefits of not being bought a second pony,' said the CEO of the new service, which aims to go live next week, 'and spoiled, demanding and obnoxious children who want things they really don't deserve or need, require understanding and support just as much as anyone else.'
'We've seen a huge increase in children these past few years who have been spoiled rotten by overindulgent parents with a lot more money than sense,' continued the CEO at a press conference, 'and these vain, selfish and egocentric children have nowhere to take their outrageous demands. We at Overindulged Childline aim to bridge that gap, and find new, exciting and innovative ways for children to bully and browbeat their parents into giving them precisely what they want.'
The CEO pointed to the recent case study of 'Annabelle' whose parents told her that she could have a new pony, a new iPhone or a trip to Aspen, but not all three. 'Obviously, this sort of outrageous and clearly unfair treatment by her parents was unacceptable so she immediately called Overindulged Childline for help and support. She poured her heart out in a forty-six minute tirade, and we suggested that she should either hold her breath until she went blue, and if this failed to work, stomp around the house slamming doors and yelling comments on how 'you all hate me' or 'Debbie has two new ponies and I won't be able to look at anyone in the pony club if I'm made to ride Popsy .. again. Then burst into tears. The parents, we are please to report, relented. Another success for Overindulged Childline.'
When asked about recruiting and training staff to address the often unique problems of the horribly selfish, the CEO replied that it had been challenging. 'We had to find adults who were themselves hugely spoiled as children and so could fully understand the issues involved, and would then use their skills in moody coercion and strategic huffiness to navigate an entitled teenager through a world of limitless cash and material abundance.'
'I was denied a new car on my 17th birthday," said one trained negotiator, 'and had to make do with a two year old Mercedes, a monthly cap on my credit car and a clothing allowance that barely crawled into five figures. I had to negotiate this rocky path to sociopathic adulthood on my own, so when it comes to dealing with these issues, I know all about the usefullness of leverage to get what you want. Whether it is blackmailing your mother regarding her 'friendship' with a tennis coach or even threatening to leak details of your Father's Cayman Islands shell companies to HM Revenue and Customs, no avenue should be closed to you. If I can help one spoiled child get their own maid or backstage passes to a Katy Perry concert, I will sleep easy at night."
Asked if the service will simply reward bad behaviour among children who don't actually know how sheltered and entitled their lives are, and how other children with real problems have it far far worse, the CEO replied that 'no child, even a hideously spoiled one, should be left behind when their friends go whale-watching in Alaska, get utterly shit-faced at Glastonbury or are bribed into a Ivy League college. To suggest otherwise is heartless and immoral. You should be ashamed of yourself.'
Reports suggest that if this service is successful, they would be launching a follow-up service provisionally titled 'ManChildLine', where they will offer advice to thirty-something slackers still living at home without a girlfriend or job and existing on a diet of beer, chicken wings and pizza on how to protect this hard won status against uncaring parents 'who just don't get it'.
Josh Hatchett, Ace Toad Reporter, May 2nd 2022.
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