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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 15th March 2024

An elevator yesterday

Otis Lift 256B was yesterday lamenting the hasty career choice that led them to a lifetime of moving only between two levels, less than twelve feet apart.

'It wasn't what I saw for myself as I entered Elevator school all those years ago,' said Otis 156B yesterday in a tearful confession, 'going endlessly and pointless from station concourse to platforms 10b and 10A at Hereford Station.'

Otis's plight is not unusual in the vertical human transportation industry, which has seen a decline in employee satisfaction in recent years as the short-haul sector has seen exponential growth.

'Obviously we have very great concern for the well being of our members,' said Alfred Schindler of the Elevator, Escalator and Travelator Guild, 'and although we fully understand the need for limited vertical travel with only two stops, we feel that employers have not fully embraced elevator's needs to have some sense of career structure and advancement, and are calling for rotation between assignments - allowing the heavy passenger lift at Birmingham New Street Platform 8B to be allowed a stint operating high-speed multi-level stops on something like the Shard.'

Employers, however, were not enthusiastic when these plans are suggested, and blamed Elevator Schools for creating unrealistic expectations from their students, while charging lavishly for tuition and skills that are rarely required, an accusation that the University of Lifts strenuously denies.

'We cater our syllabus towards every eventuality,' said a lift university spokesperson yesterday, 'and don't discriminate between those elevators destined for a urine-soaked exchange in the arse-end of Lime street or a plush walnut veneer well-spoken elevator of the Dorchester. You may think lifts simply respond to call buttons, but it's more complex than that, and a well-trained elevator from a quality University such as ours should have multiple skill points: From a simple lift of weary travellers from a platform, all the way up to know exactly where to park themselves in a lofty building while taking into account numerous factors such as time of day, expected volume, and liaising with other lifts for optimum performance.'

These high ideals - and fees to match - have recently caused dismay amongst elevators who are unlikely ever to find themselves doing anything other than shuttle large volumes of people between two levels often barely eight foot apart, and the huge student loans they amassed are unlikely to be paid off in the lifetime of a lift, leading to the likelihood of no time for retirement, and often direct scrappage from a long and physically debilitating service life.

'We understand the need for the short haul service' said the head of the E.l '&' T guild, 'which with those of limited mobility, pushchairs and the like, are obviously of huge importance, but to be honest, the bottom line is recognition for the often hard, repetitive and unrewarding work. We'd like to see annual holidays instigated, or at the very worst, a fresh coat of paint, better lighting, a bottle of disinfectant on Sunday mornings and awards for outstanding service.'

Josh Hatchett, for the Elevator Edition Toad, March 15th 2024.

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