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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 4th July 2022

The Conservative Party Leadership race between Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss is well underway, with the victor being handed the keys to 10 Downing Street in a manner that might be considered odd in any democratic country but seems quite normal here. Unlike in many nations where the country decides who will govern them, the leadership race here is being decided by the 200,000 membership of the Conservative party, which means it is this membership, and not the nation, that both Sunak and Truss have to persuade.

In an unedifying race to the bottom in order to most impress those Tory vote-wielding members, Sunak has struggled to generate his own batshit crazy idiocy and has instead found himself adopting a 'I'm far more right wing than Liz' approach which he hopes will win him safely through the contest.

Truss: "I will pledge to lower taxes in order to boost the economy, despite many many smart people saying that this is dangerous nonsense."

Sunak: "Tax cuts? Hah! I pledge to remove all tax altogether, and will simply increase borrowing to a level that will bankrupt the nation in under six months. Tax will not be reintroduced until Labour are inevitably back in power, proving once again that those bunch of Marxists are the party of high taxation."

Truss: "I will slash Whitehall bureaucracy and save hundreds of millions of pounds by paying people a lot less and outsourcing the work, and them, to Rwanda"

Sunak: "I will fire all those small minded freeloaders in Whitehall and replace them all with a government App, very similar to the one that we developed during COVID at great expense but was then abandoned. This time, it will definitely work."

Truss: "We need a return to Thatcherite values, and I make it my manifesto pledge to start closing unproductive mines."

When it was pointed out that there were no nationalised mines of any sort, either profitable or not, Liz Truss said that she would open some in order to close them.

Sunak: "Liz knows nothing about Thatcherite values. My first act in office will be to pay Argentina to invade the Falklands so we can retake them in a blaze of glory, and then open mines in order to close them. I will also then undertake to dress up as Mrs Thatcher complete with wig and rusty barbed wire voice for the entirety of my time in office. Take that, Liz!"

Truss: "I will play hardball with the oppressive and bullying Europeans and fully embrace the UK's ability to go it alone, and properly embrace the massive opportunities that BREXIT offer, such as reneging on deals and breaking international Law."

Sunak: "I will go further and make it illegal for anyone to mention Europe or BREXIT ever again. All manufacturing will be taken over by top quality British firms, and all holidays will be henceforth spent in Cornwall, but not near my friends so the roads stay clear."

Truss: "I will make it illegal for workers in important front line services to go on strike. The people of this nation deserve trouble free services from forelock-tugging workers happy and eager to work on almost nothing at all.'

Sunak: "I will pledge to reintroduce indentured servitude to all workers on front line services, with public floggings for Union agitators and anyone who attempts to hold the country to ransome by demanding a decent living wage, but I will still permit MPs to have an above-inflation wage rise, plus generous living allowances."

Truss: "In light of the Lionesses amazing victory, I will be ensuring that they are all given MBEs and make footy for girls part of the National Curriculum"

Sunak: "I will negotiate with the Pope to make the Lionesses saints, and make Footy for girls compulsory, and ban it for boys."

Truss: "All this woke nonsense has now gone too far, and I will pledge to repeal the Equality act and fire those who are working to increase inclusion and diversity."

Sunak: "I will take this even further and ensure that anyone of any ethnic origin, whoopsies or cross-dressers will be banned from ever holding public office anywhere. except those dressed like Margaret Thatcher and me, obviously."

Truss: "Our borders are sacrosanct and all illegal and undocumented arrivals will be instantly sent to Rwanda."

Sunak: "Rwanda is clearly not far enough for the committed despoiler of our nation's values, and I will be pledging to round up any swarthy-looking people in France who look a bit suspect and send them to Antarctica, or the moon."

The nation waits with bated breath for Liz and Rishi's next move, but oddly, there has been no talk about increasing Standards in Public Office from either parties, which was actually the reason they all got rid of the last one.

Josh Hatchett, Toad Reporter, July 2nd 2022.