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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 19th April 2022

Billions of humans were yesterday outraged and confused to find themselves on an alternate timeline to Earth's history that they did not wish to be on, did not ask for, have no recourse to higher authority or know of a manner in which they can depart their timeline for a better one.

The timeline in question - BN-675 - branched off early in 2016. Instead of a BREXIT 'no' vote and Hillary Clinton winning the US presidency, Donald Trump became president and the UK opted to leave the EU. Following that, a bizarre series of events unfolded on the planet, little of which made sense or were anything the residents of this timeline wanted or expected.

"I was looking forward to Clinton bringing some sort of adult conversation about environmentalism to America and from there to the world," said an author who had found himself trapped in the alternative timeline, "and for us to continue being a worthwhile and constructive partner in a flawed but overwhelmingly positive trading and legislative bloc, but all of a sudden we've voted to leave the EU, Donald Trump won the White House, and that was followed by six years of daily 'what the fuck??' moments where all sense of reality seemed to have broken down."

This author wasn't the only one who realised there had been some massive mix-up in the billions of alternative possibilities that branch off at any given event, but worse was to come. "As if Trump wasn't bad enough," said another individual also stuck in this aberrant thread of the multiverse, "but Boris Johnson and Bolsonaro were elected, there's a massive Pandemic and a despot in Russia starts a land war in Europe. I didn't sign up to be in this timeline, and I really feel I should be in another one. I want out."

Without redress to any Multiple Possibility Universe Policing Agency, the billions of people caught up in the inexplicable events of the past six years are looking to science to explain what might have gone wrong and if there is any way to reverse the timeline or switch to that other, better one, where the UK is still part of Europe, there wasn't a Pandemic, Syria had been resolved and Putin didn't invade Ukraine.

"I can sense the frustration of everyone living in this timeline," said a leading scientist yesterday, "and while difficult to come to terms with, there is little anyone can do, except be happy in the fact that there is another you in the better timeline, currently enjoying themselves, travelling easily around Europe and not having to put up with a bombastic charlatan as your leader."

"For all intents and purposes," the leading scientist added, "this is now your reality, and there is no mechanism currently known to science that can transfer people to other timelines. If there were," he added, "I'd be in the one where I win a Nobel Prize, look a lot hotter than I do and am married to Blake Lively."

The events of the past eight years have also challenged agnostics over the existence of an all-seeing deity who controls the planet's destiny. "If there is a God then they clearly have a bizarre sense of humour," said one, "or maybe they just got bored at dinner with other Gods and there was a silly bet, or someone challenged someone else to a dare. What's next? An alien invasion?

Not everyone was unhappy with this Timeline, however, as right wing adherents, or those who were not fans of democracy and had financial interests in arms and vaccine manufacturers saw it as 'mostly positive'. Indeed, some, such as those in Trump's inner circle, didn't feel that this timeline went far enough, and were hoping for one where The Donald led the world into a much-loved Trump-helmed dynastic world government that lasted until the end of eternity.

Josh Hatchett-675B, Ace Toad Reporter, April 19th 2022.