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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 13th April 2022

Unprovoked violence descended on tinseltown yesterday when a multimultimillionaire actor slapped a multimillionaire comedian in front of assembled millionaires, who had all gathered to give each other shiny awards to remind them of how fabulous and relevant they were.

The incident was sparked by a not-very-funny joke about the multimultimillionaire actor's wife, who is also a multimillionaire. Despite these sort of glittering events being precisely the sort of place where multimillionaires are roasted by the multimillionaire presenter, the aggreived multimillionaire strode on to the stage and slapped the Multimillionaire presenter.

A millionaire who observed the attack stated: "I was so shocked. One moment we're eating free food served up to us by people on minimum wage and expecting to be showered with more superlatives to better massage our massive egos, and the next moment this multimultimillionaire actor strides out and starts slapping the millionaire presenter about. I won't have an opinion on it until I see the consensus on Twitter."

Another millionaire actor whose millionaire wife was wearing a costume worth a decade of wages for the person who parked their car added: "I've been an action hero on the big screen for many years and happily participated in excessive levels of screen violence for most of that time, but this one slap was just totally out of order. Violence has no place in an event where I am given a $130,000 goody-bag of stuff I don't really need."

A Multimillionaire producer of blockbusters then added: "The huge levels of screen violence that Hollywood pumps out year after year, depicting torture, gunshot wounds and other high levels of violence, never prepares you for the real thing. I was so upset I could barely speak to my tax lawyer the following day."

The events of the evening even briefly knocked the news of the continuing invasion, war crimes, brutality and wanton destruction conducted by Putin's forces from the news cycle, showing that when it comes to news, celebrities squabbling is always of huge interest in the public.

At a subsequent hearing, the Multimultimillionaire actor who slapped the multimillionaire comedian was told he would no longer be able to attend functions like this for ten years, but if he exhibits good behaviour, earns another billion at the box office and weeps sufficiently on chat shows it could be reduced to six.

A waiter later commented after they had finished tidying up at 3:00 AM: "Good job Gervais wasn't presenting. Things really could have turned nasty."

Josh Hatchett, Ace Toad Reporter, April 13th 2022.