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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 19th April 2020

Mankind's Hubris about to take a fall. Again.

The Supreme Lobster Leader yesterday doubled down on his controversial claim that the sinking of the RMS liner Titanic was 'a good thing'.

The remarks followed the Council of Lobsters landmark edict last week, which along with the ongoing 'not being eaten' issue, remain one of the main planks of contention between our two species.

'I'm not going to sugarcoat this,' said the Supreme Lobster to a packed newsroom, 'but we lobsters have always regarded the sinking of the Titanic as something that should be celebrated, and I think now is the time for you humans to accept what is, to us lobsters, an incontrovertible truth.'

The mighty ocean liner, which sank in the North Atlantic with a loss of 1500 lives in 1912, has always been seen as the biggest peacetime maritime disaster. But the lobster community have always thought differently, and those ideas, once considered the preserve of agitators and conspiracy theorists, have only recently entered the mainstream.

Asked how lobsters could possibly justify describing the death of innocent people in the dark and freezing waters 'a good thing' was met with a cool response by the Supreme Lobster.

'It is a point of fact that the first class kitchens on board the RMS Titanic had one hundred and sixty-seven live lobsters in tanks, all of whom would have been brutally boiled to death and then consumed during the crossing. As is now known, all but one of them escaped the sinking, and their progeny now number at least 3.2 million - a number that in some small measure makes up for the ongoing losses suffered by lobster fishing today.'

Against accusations of rewriting history to suit the lobster's own political ends, the Supreme Lobster shrugged his five shoulders and replied: 'It's really just a question of perspective.'

Josh Hatchett, for The Toad