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The minister for transport unveiled the results of the government's white paper on traffic policy yesterday, which will dictate the direction of official thinking on a raft of measures which include the controversial subject of congestion.

Although road-pricing has 'not been discounted' the minister for roads and Transport has revealed a radical rethink of the nation's roads which would, she said, allow a 100% increase in traffic volume with no additional road building.

'The problem is not the roads being too small, but the cars are just too large," explained Ms Kelly to a packed news conference, 'and by making the nation's cars half the width, we can double road capacity overnight.'

The simpleness of the plan took most of her detractors off guard, and no-one in the press meeting could think of a basis from which to criticise the ground-breaking scheme.

'It's so brilliant,' explained TV personality Mr Jeremy Clarkdaughter when asked to comment, 'I wish I'd thought of it myself. This government has my full support.'

The four year and eight-million pound report has also been hailed by the Dodgy Auto Traders Association as 'extremely profitable' as the nation's fifty million cars will all require a three foot strip cut longitudinally from the body, something DATA's members have the skills to do quickly and easily.

'Cut and shut darling?' said an extremely disreputable car repairman who did not wish to be named, 'No problem. I can get you an MOT, too - no questions asked.'

Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.

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Ruth Kelly demands 'thin cars' to run on new eight-lane super highways
A new version of the 'thin-min' Not even supercars like this Maserati will escape 'thinning'	The minister for transport unveiled the results of the government's white paper on traffic policy yesterday, which will dictate the direction of official thinking on a raft of measures which include the controversial subject of congestion. Although road-pricing has 'not been discounted' the minister for roads and Transport has revealed a radical rethink of the nation's roads which would, she said, allow a 100% increase in traffic volume with no additional road building. 'The problem is not the roads being too small, but the cars are just too large," explained Ms Kelly to a packed news conference, 'and by making the nation's cars half the width, we can double road capacity overnight.' The simpleness of the plan took most of her detractors off guard, and no-one in the press meeting could think of a basis from which to criticise the ground-breaking scheme. 'It's so brilliant,' explained TV personality Mr Jeremy Clarkdaughter when asked to comment, 'I wish I'd thought of it myself. This government has my full support.' The four year and eight-million pound report has also been hailed by the Dodgy Auto Traders Association as 'extremely profitable' as the nation's fifty million cars will all require a three foot strip cut longitudinally from the body, something DATA's members have the skills to do quickly and easily. 'Cut and shut darling?' said an extremely disreputable car repairman who did not wish to be named, 'No problem. I can get you an MOT, too - no questions asked.' Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.
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