The Toad - All the c**p that's unfit to print

The recent 'news blackout' of Prince Harry's deployment to Afghanistan has been the longest held secret since records began, delighted government departments reveal.

'To tell the truth, I'd almost forgotten what a secret was,' explained a spokesman representing all arms of government, 'and the feeling that we've managed to keep one for ten weeks is simply awe-inspiring.'

With the increasing use of leaks by government departments to spread disinformation, promote agendas or besmirch individuals unwilling to tow the line, the very notion of 'secret' has become somewhat diminished over the years.

'The last time we held a secret this long was when Sir Francis Walsingham intercepted letters from Mary Queen of Scots imprisoned at Chartley Hall in 1586,' explained the spokesman, 'and even that one was eventually leaked to the tabloids under the headline 'Jock Tart in Liz Dago Death Plot.'

The role of the press in the matter has been of 'huge help' in the keeping of this secret, it has emerged, and although the almost total media saturation of Harry's short stay in Afghanistan has been little short of obscene, and the endless pictures of the prince's torso and footage of him shooting his weapon set to music on the BBC 'revolting', the media confirmed that showing restraint or acting responsibly over news stories regarding non-royals on active service was 'out of the question'.

'Of course we'll still publish other stories that might put ordinary soldier's lives at risk,' said a spokesman for the Press Association, 'such as the Mirror's obviously faked abuse photographs. Mind you, we could stretch a point if there are any other Royals in need of combat experience. As long as we get the juicy interviews at the end of it, of course.'

Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.

Today's Toad Toad Archive Fforde Website

Next Article Previous Article The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 3rd Mar 2008.
Ten week secret longest held since records began
An unamed soldier in a secret location	The recent 'news blackout' of Prince Harry's deployment to Afghanistan has been the longest held secret since records began, delighted government departments reveal. 'To tell the truth, I'd almost forgotten what a secret was,' explained a spokesman representing all arms of government, 'and the feeling that we've managed to keep one for ten weeks is simply awe-inspiring.' With the increasing use of leaks by government departments to spread disinformation, promote agendas or besmirch individuals unwilling to tow the line, the very notion of 'secret' has become somewhat diminished over the years. 'The last time we held a secret this long was when Sir Francis Walsingham intercepted letters from Mary Queen of Scots imprisoned at Chartley Hall in 1586,' explained the spokesman, 'and even that one was eventually leaked to the tabloids under the headline 'Jock Tart in Liz Dago Death Plot.' The role of the press in the matter has been of 'huge help' in the keeping of this secret, it has emerged, and although the almost total media saturation of Harry's short stay in Afghanistan has been little short of obscene, and the endless pictures of the prince's torso and footage of him shooting his weapon set to music on the BBC 'revolting', the media confirmed that showing restraint or acting responsibly over news stories regarding non-royals on active service was 'out of the question'. 'Of course we'll still publish other stories that might put ordinary soldier's lives at risk,' said a spokesman for the Press Association, 'such as the Mirror's obviously faked abuse photographs. Mind you, we could stretch a point if there are any other Royals in need of combat experience. As long as we get the juicy interviews at the end of it, of course.' Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad.
ALSO INSIDE YOUR ROYAL TOAD: Combat experience indispensable for lifetime of privilege, expert opines Toad comment: BBC colluding with government damaging for an independent corporation? Dusty combat fatigues latest fashion Wider issues regarding conflict in Afghanistan omitted from interviews, cynics note

Today's Toad Toad Archive Fforde Website
More Toad