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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 20th April 2016

Formula One Yesterday (Wikimedia Comons, Ryan Bayona)

Bernie's Ecclestone's shock statement angered Women's groups yesterday when he said that women possessed too great a mental capacity to drive in ludicrously high-powered sports cars that were inches away from other ludicrously highl-powered sports cars all driving at breakneck speeds.

"The fact is," Bernie Ecclestone was reported as saying, "is that you have to have a high degree of reckless stupidity to race at these levels, and until women lower their own sense of personal safety and are in a mindset that winning a race, coming in sixth or even competing at all is totally worth the very real possibility of serious injury or death, Women have no place in F1."

Women's groups were angered by his words, saying that: 'it's patronising to suggest that we as a gender are too sensible to compete successfully in dangerous sports like F1, and that trying to appropriate 'stupid and reckless' as a specific male character trait was an 'affront to every stupid woman in the land.'

"The point is," said a male racing driver who did not wish to be named, "is that you are driving at 200MPH three inches from your opponent, heading towards a turn that only one of you can get to first. Your opponent bangs his wheel against yours and you come out smiling - then do it again, maybe 56 times in a race. It's totally fucking mental, and requires a level of single-minded pigheadedness that women, at this point, do not possess."

Other women's groups were planning on Direct Action, by possibly holding 'dumb walks' on the M1's fast lane at rush hour, in order. a spokeswoman said: 'to prove once and for all that women can be just as stupid as men, and that a healthy notion of self-protection and a measured response to risk should not be a barrier to women in Formula One.'

A female racing driver who did also not wish to be named put her failure to make the jump into F1 as 'simple self preservation'. 'No matter how hard I tried,' she said yesterday, 'there was always a nagging feeling deep down that what I was trying to do was monumentally dumb, and that a shiny cup and being drenched in champagne was not worth the very real chance of serious injury or death."

Josh Hatchett, for The Toad