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A leaked document from the department of Employment aims to reclassify metabolism as an 'unwaged activity', it was revealed yesterday.

The involuntary biological necessities of life that include breathing, digestion of food into usable sugars and the circulation of oxygen-enriched blood around the body will henceforth be regarded as a career, and thus release millions from the stressful burden of continued unemployment.

'For too long the vital, life-giving metabolic duties of the body have been sidelined as ordinary bodily functions,' Deputy employment minister Diane Seacombe said yesterday, 'and by viewing this all-important contribution to continued life, we are striking a strong blow against the poor self-esteem of the unwaged.'

With a potential unemployment reduction of 100%, the scheme is being looked at favourably by the ministry, with the add-on benefit that even someone who is severely disabled will still have a metabolism of sorts, thus potentially saving billions in incapacity benefit.

'Only those with no metabolism at all will be considered unemployed in the future,' added the minister, 'and we would welcome applications from dead people to fill out our new 'non-metabolisers' claim forms.' when asked to comment on whether citizens might apply for metabolism-seekers allowance in lieu of almost certain death at some point in their lives, the minister declared that: 'applicants would have to be out of metabolism for at least six months before being eligible, and fill out the forms in person.'

We asked an endocrine gland for comment, but they were busy working on hormone excretion and were unavailable for comment.

Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad, London

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Breathing reclassified as 'work'
A leaked document from the department of Employment aims to reclassify metabolism as an 'unwaged activity', it was revealed yesterday. The involuntary biological necessities of life that include breathing, digestion of food into usable sugars and the circulation of oxygen-enriched blood around the body will henceforth be regarded as a career, and thus release millions from the stressful burden of continued unemployment. 'For too long the vital, life-giving metabolic duties of the body have been sidelined as ordinary bodily functions,' Deputy employment minister Diane Seacombe said yesterday, 'and by viewing this all-important contribution to continued life, we are striking a strong blow against the poor self-esteem of the unwaged.' With a potential unemployment reduction of 100%, the scheme is being looked at favourably by the ministry, with the add-on benefit that even someone who is severely disabled will still have a metabolism of sorts, thus potentially saving billions in incapacity benefit. 'Only those with no metabolism at all will be considered unemployed in the future,' added the minister, 'and we would welcome applications from dead people to fill out our new 'non-metabolisers' claim forms.' when asked to comment on whether citizens might apply for metabolism-seekers allowance in lieu of almost certain death at some point in their lives, the minister declared that: 'applicants would have to be out of metabolism for at least six months before being eligible, and fill out the forms in person.' We asked an endocrine gland for comment, but they were busy working on hormone excretion and were unavailable for comment. *Josh Hatchett, reporting for The Toad,* London**	How the 'breathing' seems to work. One of the new 'unbreathed' attempts to claim benefits.

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