The Cheese Enforcement Agency
The Cheese Enforcement Agency is the government body given the task of policing the trading and consumption of all types of cheese, whether they be hard, smelly, foreign, or processed.
In order to fully educate the public on some of the dangers and popular misconceptions about cheese, we have constructed this website so that you, the citizen, can understand cheese and your rights.
Cheese - The Facts.
Let's be sensible about this. 95% of cheese consumption is not necessarily harmful to health. In fact, as part of a varied diet a moderate intake of cheese may be beneficial. We are all agreed that it tastes good, and with a carefully selected cracker and chutney (according to taste), a mild sense of euphoria may result from the tasting of a fine cheese. All this is well and good and the government makes no secret in its fulsome support of responsible cheese eating in general, as long as the cheese is purchased and traded fully in accordance with the Cheese Duty Act of 1963 (amended 1973). This act lays out the type and style of cheeses approved by the government, and the relevant duty that must be paid to the treasury.
On the tab marked 'Legality' above you will find a list of typical cheeses, their legal status, and how much duty should be paid on each. PLEASE NOTE that this list is not exhaustive and if in doubt over the legal status of a certain cheese, you MUST seek professional advice from one of the many 'Cheese Enforcement Officers' posted at our offices around the country.
Eating and trading in cheeses beyond the scope of the act is ILLEGAL and is punishable by fines and to the persistent offender, imprisonment. Don't forget that sustained cheese abuse can render you infertile, destroy your tastebuds, cause baldness, memory loss, numbness in the extremities and in some instances, death.
Home made cheese is STRICTLY ILLEGAL unless for exempted medical reasons, and all cheese-making paraphenalia is similalrly prohibited.
You have been warned. Illegal Cheese. It's just not worth it.