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NCD TEST EVIDENCE STAFF HISTORY TESTIMONIES |
Here are some of the emails we have received from the Nursery Crime Public:
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Dear Sir
Are you able to offer me any assistance? My youngest daughter Polly has taken to sitting too close to the fire on chilly mornings complaining of cold feet. This, as I am sure you understand, has caused her to singe more than one pair of tights, not to mention several skirts, trousers, shirts, vests etc which no matter how many scoops of oxi-action I add to my wash never return to their original state. Last Tuesday I reached the end of my tether, having found my daughter to be sitting yet again on the hearth wiggling her toes dangerously in front of the flames I slapped her wrist and dragged her away. Needless to say she screamed, kicked, stomped, punched and refused to eat her breakfast. The noise alerted my neighbour who lives in a shoe (and was recently before a judge herself accused of child cruelty and has spent all her days since trying to make other lives as miserable as hers) and I am now charged with child abuse and facing several years in prison and my daughter is faced with years in foster care. I assure you that I meant no harm to my daughter, quite the reverse in fact, I have always tried to persuade her of the dangers of playing with matches, fire and electric blankets to ensure her safety. Before she developed this rather strange fascination with heat and fires she was a loving, happy, carefree child. I await your reply with eager anticipation. Yours faithfully P Flinders, Mrs (Submitted by Phyllida, 29th June 2006) | ||
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Dear Sir
I am writing to you on the subject of Mr L T Tucker, formerly known as Thomas, who recently has adopted the stage name "Little Tommy". He earns his living by performing at restuarants. Generally he is paid in tips, and the restuarant provides him with left-overs, such as brown bread and butter. Although Mr Tucker has a remarkable singing voice, his lack of runaway success stems from the fact that he has a habit of bothering the restuarant patrons after a while. And this brings me to the reason for my letter. I am concerned about Mr Tucker's wife, who features regularly in his songs. There are rumours that she was last seen over two years ago, and I have personally never seen her. Certainly nobody has seen her since Mr Tucker began his singing career. I fear that his obsession with knives may indicate that she has come to some harm, or that he is intending to harm her. I trust that you will have time in your busy schedule to make a few discrete enquiries. Yours sincerely, Duckworth Lewis (not the cricket umpire) (Submitted by Duckworth, 11th March 2006) | ||
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Nursery Crime Division at Reading
I am being stalked by a little white lamb. Despite my repeated pleas that the lamb leave me alone,it follows me everywhere, even to school.I am a nervous wreck and am now afraid to leave my home. Please contact me with information on obtaining a restraining order. Thank you Mary (Submitted by 'SGoldst') | ||
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Dear Sir/Madam,
I wish to report a most henious crime involving the use of mind-altering substances oninnocent animals.To see the look of surprise on the female bovine's face as she catapulted herself over the moon was a sad comment on today's society. The fact that she landed safely was more good luck than good management. I blame the Cat and the Fiddle myself. Mind you, the Fiddle probably wouldn't have the guts to do it by himself. What made it particularly alarming for me was that my dog actually LAUGHED at the sight. I think 'They' have been doctoring his food. I'm beginning to think that 'they' have doctored mine too. I swear I just saw a Dish run away with a Spoon!! Yours Truly, H. Diddle-Diddle (ret.) (Submitted by Patricia, 2nd February 2006) | ||
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To Whom It May Concern (NCD),
I must admit that I am somewhat unwilling to even contact you. Both the police and the justice system marginalize my species to such an extent, that I don't really expect anything to be done about this. However, I draw your attention to the whole "Riding Hood" fiasco. You will note certain irregularities with the witness reports. I will point out the following: 1. On the day in question, when "RED" was "riding in her 'hood", Mr. Wolf was in Swindon for a Croquet match. His credit card receipts clearly show this fact. As well, twelve members of the displaced "Northumbrian Pack", all wolves in good stead in their communities, have offered to sign affidavits on behalf of Mr. Wolf, citing his whereabouts. 2. Mr. Wolf has severe arthritis in his jaw, and has been on a diet of pureed or liquid foods for some months. He couldn't have posed the threat suggested, nor spoken at length, as Miss. "RED" claimed. 3. "Granny", whom Mr. Wolf has been accused of imitating, has three outstanding warrants with Interpol, was once a makeup assistant to Bela Lugosi, and seems to have conveniently disappeared on the day in question. The Israeli intelligence service has recently spotted a woman they believe to be "Granny" on a security tape in a Jerusalem mall. 4. Facial experts, including the eminent DR. M. Dee, have signed reports that Mr. Wolf (a dashing looking gent) couldn't possibly be mistaken for (in the words of Dr. Dee) "that old baggage" unless you were "high as a kite". Please note that "RED" has no history of drug use, so it seems likely that "RED" herself was involved in this scam. Sincerely, Lou Pagaroo, Esq. (Submitted by Lou, 29th January 2006) | ||
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To Whom It May Concern (Hopefully DCI Spratt),
A young man that lives here in Arlington, Texas seems to have met with a bit of a bad end. Two weeks ago, young ReidRyding (16) dissapeared along with his family's cherry-red Camaro after leaving to take a bag of fast-food to his apparently grandmother who was apparently sick with flu. Reid's mother, Redd Ryding- Hd, seemed unconcerned when the news of her child's dissapearance and stated rather cryptically that "this has all happened before". When Mz. Ryding- Hd was informed that her grandmother, Grandmother, could not be found, she declined to call the police and instead contacted a local wood-cutting service, leading us to believe she had gone mad with grief. No suspects has been named as-of-yet, but local character Bigby Wulfe in considered a person-of-interest by local investigators. Mr. Wulfewas recently interviewed by a reporter for the Fort Worth Star-Toadegram where he blamed his sudden andincredible weight gainon digestive gasses. During the interview, Wulfe manifested acase ofTourette's Syndrome, as he frequently cried out for help in two distinct voices. The police seem baffled, and have turned to the community for assistance. I am not a professional detective, but having read all of the Thursday Next novels as well as Sgt. Mary's account of the investigation following Mr. Dumpty's demise (did Mr. Fforde allow her to use his name or did Sgt. Mary write the Thursday Next accounts as well?), I felt I was fully-equipped to tackle the situation; furthermore,I was intrigued by the case's similarity to a story I once read as a child (I can not recall which one, though I trust the professionals of the NCD will be able to determine which story I am refering to). My own investigations have led me to believe that Grandmother may have had a previous relationship with Wulfe and that he may have had a life insurance policy drawn up in her name. My investigations have halted here, though, as I have no official powers I can use to compell my witnesses to testify for the police. I direct this request for help to the British NCD as we have no agency that deals solely with the detection and prevention of Literary crime in America. I had originally intended to contact SpecOps 12 as I was certian the previously mentioned story was prose rather that poem, but my repeated attempts at contact have met with no response. If you have any contacts within the FBI or other agency (I'm sure the family is from somewhere in Europe, so maybe Interpol could help) would you please pass this along to them. If Bigby Wulfe as eaten Grandmother and Reid (as I have come to suspect) then time may be growing short as they could be digested any day now. Thanks, R. Beatty Arlington TX PS: If I could also convey my congratulations to Sgt. Mary Mary on the quality of her account of the Humpty Dumpty killings. I also would ask that if Sgt. Mary has any contact with Mr. Jasper Fforde (or if she IS Mr. Fforde, which I have come to suspect) would she please pass on my admiration and respect for his Thursday Next novels. (Submitted by Ryan, 18th January 2006) | ||
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To whom it may concern, The other day upon the stair, I saw a man who wasn't there. I don't know how he got into the house, or why he is so taken with the stairway, but as he always seems to not be there when I look, I am begin to find his stalking quite irritating, and indeed, a little frightening. The regular police claim that they can't issue a restraining order until I can prove he is there for a number of weeks, but I thought perhaps the NCD might be able to do something more helpful. It really is affecting my life and judgement. He wasn't there again today, I'm sure of it. Really, I just wish he would go away. Can you help? Hon.Ted R.D. Lusional. (Submitted by Heather, 8th January 2006) | ||
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To whom it may concern,
My name is Gretel Garbo my brother has been found dead in the forest covered in some kind of bubbling substance. I know we are out of your jurisdiction but you in the Nursery Crime Division may be our only hope! Here we are second class citizens, no one cares what happens here. Please help. Sincerely, GG (Submitted by Michael, 10th December 2005) | ||
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To whom it may concern
I would like it noted for the record that I did not kiss the girls & make them cry. They cried because I refused to kiss them! I ran away from the boys because Goldilocks told her boyfriend Tom - the Pipers Son that I had kissed her, have you seen the size of Tom?! I hope this clears the matter up and that I will now no longer suffer persecution Yours trurly Georgie Porgie (Submitted by Tracie, 3rd November 2005) | ||
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I have spent a great deal of time cultivating my yard and garden so that I may enjoy a leisurely repast outdoors, when it suits me. Flowers. Trees. I've even built up a little hill of grass with a low stool on top of it (a tuffet on a tuffet, if you will) so that I may sit and survey the lovely surroundings I have so enjoyed tending. Each morning, however, while I eat my breakfast (cottage cheese -- plenty of calcium and protein to start the day), I find myself plagued by a most unwelcome visitor. I have made it extremely clear to this disturbing looking spider that I have no desire for his company, yet along he comes to sit down beside me, every day. This morning, I told him that I would take matters into my own hands and squash him flat as a pancake (hmm... now, there'sa thought for breakfast), but it was an idle threat.I am no murderess. So, as has become the pattern of these distressing meetings, I fled back inside to enjoy my gardens from the confines of the kitchen. I might just as well have painted a picture of flowers as tended them myself. Surely, you must agree, that I should not have to begin each day this way, in confrontation with a leering stalker. I request your assistance as soon as possible.
Sincerely, L. M. Muffett (Submitted by CJ, 25th August 2005) | ||
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Dear Sir,
I am writing on behalf of myself and my two friends. As mice, we have throughout our lives had to suffer the tribulations of mousism - people run scared as soon as they see us, they leave traps about carelessly etc. Is anything done about this in today's society? Not a thing. To add to this, we also have to put up with the stigma of being blind. And let me tell you, that DOESN'T help when it comes to avoiding all those darned traps. As an example of this horrendous unjustice, I would like to draw your attention to an incident that happened just the other day. There we were, minding our own business, when from nowhere, the farmer's wife brutally attacked us with a carving knife and chopped off our tails. And what did the so called 'authorities' do? Nothing, thats what. They seemed to find it funny - I quote, "Did you ever see such a thing in your life?", they said. I would like this reported to Complaints Commission and let justice be served! Harvey Cheesemonger from The Mousehole Just Behind The Aga. (Submitted by Gareth, 21st August 2005) | ||
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Dear D.I.Spratt,
We have tried several unions in our desire for justice in equal rights for elves and our working environment. Our reason for this is that our so called "employer" the Shoemaker leaves us each night to wade our way through innumerable amounts of pairs of shoes to mend.We take great pride in our work but do not like the way we are treated as slaves NO PAY, NO BREAKS, and not even acknowledgement of our existence. Please help us take action against this law-breaker. Yours sincerely, The Elves (Submitted by Paul, 16th August 2005) | ||
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Sirs
I am compelled to complain to you of an outrageous act of discrimination and prejudice on behalf of the "Genius" Book of Records. Recently I attempted to break the world high jump record, which I must say I completed successfully beyond my highest (if you'll forgive the pun) expectations. The moon having been unequivocably jumped over by myself, witnessed by four independent and supposedly impartial Genius representatives, I was then informed by letter seven months later that because there was no reliable measure of my exact jump to the nearest centimetre, my attempt was void. I wrote back by return of post, stating that it was Genius' responsibility to make the measurements, and that I had warned them in advance that they may need to station an observer on the dark side of the moon. I am as yet awaiting a reply, but I am convinced a human athlete would not have faced such bureaucratic twaddle as I am facing. I am forced to conclude Genius is prejudiced against cows, or perhaps non-human record-setters in general. I should add that the representatives at the jump did not conduct themselves in a manner which I believed appropriate to the situation. Indeed, the little dog laughed, seeming to think my attempt a matter of fun - and Mrs Dish ran away with Mr Spoon, thereby not witnessing anything at all. The cat, although intent on making music, was at least appreciative of my efforts. I am sorry, but the whole thing sounds like one enormous fiddle. I trust my case is within your remit, and I thank you in anticipation of a response. Miss Ayrshire Cow (Submitted by Ross, 11th August 2005) | ||
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Dear Inspector Jack Spratt,
As a respectable Reading citizen, I am outraged by the flooding of nursery characters to my hometown. Every night when I try to go to bed, I am able to hear quite clearly what I strongly suspect is a cow jumping over the moon. Now, is it utterly necessary that the cow do this EVERY night to maintain the nursery rhyme accuracy? I am only human, Mr. Spratt, and I need my sleep! Thank you. Old Mrs. Hubbard, and her dog. (Submitted by Ieana, 4th August 2005) | ||
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To Whom it May Concern,
Recently I made an effort to write a letter of amorous intentions to someone that this conservative age may deem scandalous. Because of the sensitivity of this epistle, I felt the need to deliver this letter myself. Packing it in my green basket with yellow trim, which I usually use for carrying groceries and the like, I began the trek to the home of the object of my affection. Unfortunately, before I could complete my journey, I was very rudely jostled and dropped my basket, at which point some urchin of a boy grabbed it from the street and placed my letter in his pocket. I ask you to find this theif with utmost speed, and can give a proper description upon demand. Yours, Lady Agatha Tisket (Submitted by Vance, 4th August 2005) | ||
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dear NCD
I have become recently very concerned at the apparent absence of my parents and therefore my ongoing aerial predicament. Including today, I have been stuck atop a tree in the garden for three weeks and two days. I hope this note, lowered in my bottle (which was empty of milk some time ago now) finds its way to you in time. Of growing concern is the current spate of gusty weather we have been having shaking the bough I was left on some three weeks ago. Though the situation at present merely results in a gentle swaying motion of the crib in which I am living, I have grave concerns regarding the overall structural integrity ofsaid branch.Should the wind become any stronger, the bough is indeed likely to break. The final conclusion? Down I will come (cradle and all), at the whim of that cruel mistress, gravity. For the moment my food situation isnot criticalthanks to the kindness of local birds, though the Diet of Worms is not sitting well on my infantile stomach. Any assistance you can offer, ideally of the ladder variety would be greatly appreciated. The whereabouts of my parents we can discuss once on terra firma once more Yours in anticipation R K Abyebaby (Submitted by Paul, 2nd August 2005) | ||
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To The NCD:
I am a certain Mr.EdouardSchwann, formerly known as "The Ugly Duckling". Firstly, I would like to stop being referred to as a "duckling", as I clearly wasn't one in the first place and would like my formal title to be switched to "TheMisunderstoodSignet".Secondly, Iwould like tolodge a formal complaint against my adoptive parents, the Ducks. Though I am no longer considered "ugly", I was treated most abominably by my two adoptive parents when I was a child. Verbal abuse, neglect, and even abandonment were the norm for me in my childhood, and, now that I am a young adult, these past traumas have given me low self-esteem, a severe lack of confidence, warped self-image, and troublesome psychological problems such as PTSD.I would like to claim child abuse and emotional damages, and hope that the NCD can offer me assistance in my search for justice. Thank you for your time. Yours truly, Mr. Edouard T.S.V.H.G.L.W. Schwann (Submitted by Justine, 28th July 2005) | ||
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From an anonymous witness:
Mary said that the lamb followed her to school, but Ithere may beconnection to Bo Peep's missing sheep? And what about Preston, of the famous Sheep Rustling caper solved by your detective, Grommit? Preson may have violated the conditions of his house arrest, and Wendolynne may have again slipped into aiding and abetting a criminal. This could be a scheme that may even reach beyond Reading's jurisdiction. For your consideration.... (Submitted by Kathryn, 24th July 2005) | ||
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Recently, I lost my pocket which contained a penny--my life savings. It was returned to me by Kitty Fisher, but the penny was gone. Instead, a ribbon was tied round the pocket.
Lucy Locket (Submitted by Nikki, 19th July 2005) | ||
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Hello.
Yesterday a goose approached me, urging me to convert to his faith and pray to his God. When I refused, as I am already a happy member of a church, he grew angry. He took me by the left leg and threw me down a flight of stairs. As a result of this tumble, I broke my right hip, and am now bed-ridden, preventing me from earning a living for my elderly wife and myself. I demand the goose be brought to justice immediately for this assault. Elderly Man (Submitted by Nikki, 19th July 2005) | ||
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To Whom it May Concern,
Recently I was bringing home milk, having visited a neighboring farm to get it, and witnessed Little Johnny Green putting a poor helpless barncat in a well with the intention of drowning her. I was able to rescue the cat, which I have taken to my home to protect her. The cat has never been malicious--except to barn mice--and Little Johnny Green had no reason to try and murder the animal. Action against Little Johnny Green should be taken immediately to prevent future violent acts against animals. Sincerely, Little Tommy Stout (Submitted by Nikki, 19th July 2005) | ||
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To whom it may concern,
I am uncertain whether to be alarmed or just extremely vexed. My son, against my express wishes, trespassed at our neighbor's yesterday. This neighbor is the very man whom, you may recall, you prosecuted some years ago in my husband's death. He served the minimum time for pie-making, and is now back, apparently under house arrest. Upon discovering my son, Mr. MacGregor pursued him despite the ankle bracelet. In his desperate attempt to escape the madman, my son lost both shoes and a very expensive coat. Friends have spotted these clothes arranged as a scarecrow. Does this not constitute a parole violation for Mr. MacGregor? Could his garden not be considered an attractive nuisance-is he liable for damages? I feel he is a dangerous character, and one likely to re-offend. In addition, do I have any recourse as to my son's personal property? Our family, and indeed, our other neighbors, have grown increasingly alarmed about Mr. MacGregor's instability. It is a great hardship for a single mother of a large family, but if I do not hear a response from you this week, I will have no recourse but to contact my solicitors, Dewey, Cheetham & Howe. I think our local police should have some responsibility to protect our citizens from this kind of barbarity. Mrs. Rabbit Hello, My name is Poll Parrot and a mouse has stolen my house! I don't know how it happened, I was sitting in my garret just eating toast and tea! Please help! Poll Parrot
To Whom it May Concern,
Recently I was bringing home milk, having visited a neighboring farm to get it, and witnessed Little Johnny Green putting a poor helpless barncat in a well with the intention of drowning her. I was able to rescue the cat, which I have taken to my home to protect her. The cat has never been malicious-except to barn mice-and Little Johnny Green had no reason to try and murder the animal. Action against Little Johnny Green should be taken immediately to prevent future violent acts against animals. Sincerely, Little Tommy Stout
Hello.
Yesterday a goose approached me, urging me to convert to his faith and pray to his God. When I refused, as I am already a happy member of a church, he grew angry. He took me by the left leg and threw me down a flight of stairs. As a result of this tumble, I broke my right hip, and am now bed-ridden, preventing me from earning a living for my elderly wife and myself. I demand the goose be brought to justice immediately for this assault. Elderly Man Recently, I lost my pocket which contained a penny--my life savings. It was returned to me by Kitty Fisher, but the penny was gone. Instead, a ribbon was tied round the pocket. Lucy Locket
I am a certain Mr. Edouard Schwann, formerly known as "The Ugly Duckling". Firstly, I would like to stop being referred to as a "duckling", as I clearly wasn't one in the first place and would like my formal title to be switched to "The Misunderstood Signet". Secondly, I would like to lodge a formal complaint against my adoptive parents, the Ducks. Though I am no longer considered "ugly", I was treated most abominably by my two adoptive parents when I was a child. Verbal abuse, neglect, and even abandonment were the norm for me in my childhood, and, now that I am a young adult, these past traumas have given me low self-esteem, a severe lack of confidence, warped self-image, and troublesome psychological problems such as PTSD. I would like to claim child abuse and emotional damages, and hope that the NCD can offer me assistance in my search for justice. Thank you for your time.
Yours truly, Mr. Edouard T.S.V.H.G.L.W. Schwann |
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