Jurisfiction Notes for Science Fiction

Jurisfiction Notes for Operatives

Section 14.1: Science Fiction & Fantasy

We have only recently managed to enter any books in this genre, and much of it remains unexplored. And what is explored is very dangerous; quite apart from bug-eyed monsters of various kinds, there are all manner of hazards not encountered elsewhere in fiction.

For the benefit of travellers in this field, some of the possible dangers are listed below.

BRENTFORD TRILOGY: access to these five books is now forbidden. We can still smell sprouts in the Library.

CONAN THE BARBARIAN: would anyone returning from a Conan story please remember to have a shower before using the Library.

DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS: weedkiller can be obtained from Supplies. On no account enter the first chapter without suitable eye protection.

DISCWORLD: if approached by a running figure with the word 'Wizzard' on his hat, don't wait to find out what the trouble is. Take his word for it and run. Note; NEVER eat anything bought from a street pedlar.

DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP?: No.

DR. WHO: these books have suffered greatly from adjectivores, leaving all the scenery dangerously under-described. Don't lean on any of it. If threatened by a Dalek, run upstairs. Accept jelly babies with caution.

DUNE: the chief danger for anyone entering this series is dying of boredom. If anyone offers you any strange spice, don't eat it. Any operative who can advise Jurisfiction of the meaning of any of the stories should contact the UA of W Cat, since we might be able to use the stultifying tedium as a way into Pilgrim's Progress.

EARTHSEA: MycroTech supply an effective dragon repellent. Real names can be drawn from supplies before the Jump.

HARRY POTTER: there appears to have been an unauthorised plot transfer to these books from 'Tom Brown's Schooldays'. Investigation required. Please note that you are not insured if Nimbus 1000 brooms are used for purposes other than as listed on packaging. (This means you, Havisham).

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THE LORD OF THE RINGS: Urgent action is required to remove a PageRunner known as 'Tom Bombadil', who has inserted himself into the story and holds up the action for two chapters. If found he is to be terminated with extreme prejudice. A McGonagall Mark III Poetry Eradicator will also be required.

NARNIA: Please learn from the Shelley disaster. He started arguing for the Necessity of Atheism, and the lion ate him. Keep topics of conversation non-controversial, please.

STAR TREK: TV tie-in books tend to be fairly simple to jump into, and present few challenges for the experienced fictionaut. However, some basic rules need to be observed. Never join an away team in a red shirt. Please note that McCoy is a doctor, not an engineer. Do not ask Captain Kirk if he knows where all the Tribbles went, while looking pointedly at his head. Lend no money to Ferengi. If jumping from an early book into a Next Generation episode, do not ask a Klingon "what happened to your faces, then?". Refrain from observing that every planet in the galaxy looks like California. Remember that Captain Janeway is not Katharine Hepburn. And above all, try not to laugh whenever the technobabble mentions DNA, even if it does remind you of a shampoo ad.

STAR WARS: There has been an attack of grammasites in these books, especially affecting the character Yoda, which backwards makes him talk. Female operatives may like to conceal a FootnoterPhone headset in their hairstyle. Anyone filling in as an Imperial Stormtrooper, do look where you' re going. Also, be warned; Jar Jar Binks. I think you know what I mean.

STAINLESS STEEL RAT: it is believed this character (aka Slippery Jim DiGriz) is a fugitive from Jurisfiction. However it would be impossible to extract him without boojuming the whole series. Believe nothing he tells you.

WATERSHIP DOWN: would anyone entering please exercise caution. We don't want a repetition of the unfortunate pie incident.

X-FILES: any operatives jumping into an X-Files book should obtain a spare set of torch batteries from Supplies. If you hear the phrase 'things are getting strange, I'm starting to worry' leave at once, as this is one of the first signs of catatonia.

Finally, would all agents please note that vaccination against hyperspace sickness can be obtained from Dr. Jekyll, and that anyone doing the old 'travelling faster than light and coming back to find everyone 300 years older' trick will only get paid for the objective time spent travelling.

Jon Brierley