The Nursery Crime Division's Official Website

And don't forget the rest of the entries - all worth a read and a chuckle

Jack Spratt could eat no fat
He's wife could eat no lean
But the 2003 Health and Safety Act Says
No plate licking due to hygiene

Jack Spratt could eat no fat
He's wife could eat no lean
So on her birthday he did buy
A George Foreman grilling machine!

From Steve Dixon Farnborough, (UK)

There once was a Brit who told stories of wit
to delight and amuse all that let him.
One particularly fond Was a girl 'cross the pond
who giggled whenever she read him.
No, she never was bored when she crossed the Fforde
smiling on even her worse day.
From an egg that was haughty, A fourth bear that was naughty
and adventures every next thursday.

Yes, she's a big Fan of that Jasper man.
Some might say she was smitten.
The thing that was bad and made her quite sad
she had read everything he had written.
So she took the time To write him this rhyme
to thank him for all of the laughter.
It may not be funny or win porrige and honey
but she'll still live happily after.

Jae Johans St. Louis, MO USA (who wins first prize for flattery)

Mary had a skin disease Her rash was pale and mottled
T'was some suspicion it was caused by lamb's blood (fresh, not bottled)

She headed out for school one day ('gainst Health Department rules)
"it's not contagious" she did say and they believed her (fools!)

Infection followed her to school The parents went neurotic
So Mary had to go to jail (The Health Board's quite despotic)

Mark Nesbitt Toronto, Canada

Jack and Jill Went to the till With just some bottled water
Some bags of crisps Some chilli dips And a pester powered daughter

When Jack was done The till had rung On nothing for their dinner,
But chocolate blocks Gum, hideous socks. And books on getting thinner.

Incy Wincy Spider Climbed up the Plastic Spout
But chemicals in the PVC Meant something else came out

Dave Whiteley, Leeds, UK

Chuck the Cat

I bought a little house-pet, He's a cat that says meow,
Cause I can't afford a leopard, And I cannot house a cow.
He's small and cute and furry, And he eats heaps so he's fat,
He looks a bit like Charlie, So we called him Chuck the Cat.
His hobbys eating insects, he's especially fond of bees,
There aren't many in this district, So he's very hard to please.
Now Chuck the Cat went walking, To see the man next door,
He thought there might be bees there, But he wasn't really sure.
The guy was pleased to see him, And held him for a pat,
He asked me what his name was, So I told him Chuck the Cat.

So he threw him out the window, And down went Chuck the Cat,
He headed to the pavement, And landed with a splat.
I ran like hell for leather, To save my poor feline,
And was far more than astonished, To see that he was fine.
You see, the cat got hungry, As he descended south,
So he crammed as many bees he could, Into his little mouth.
The bees flew round inside him, In a sad quest to escape,
And the lift-off they created, Acted as a break.
So Chuck the Cat was rescued, But we think it safe by miles,
To change the way we called him, So now we call him Charles.

Kimberley Freed Sydney Australia

There was a girl named pippa
Who was a champion cow tipper
She sneaked up behind
What did she find
A cow pat that filled up her slipper

Ross Burton, devon

There was an old man, Who lived in a van,
Eating food from a can, That he cooks in a pan.
One day he went out, And recieved such a clout,
I'm not sure what about, But he gave a great SHOUT
His pan he did lend, To a very old friend,
And he went round the bend, And this is the end.

-- Mizzy, UK.

Reading Rita, porridge eater Loved a bear who would not meet her
She tempted him with pots of money And when that failed, with oats and honey.

The bear agreed to come to tea The lovestruck Rita for to see
But when all was eaten he departed And left poor Rita broken hearted.

from Gael Impiazzi, Leeds, UK

Once Upon a time As all good stories go
The Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe Had a terrible row
With Old Mother Hubbard And, in short, decided to sue.

She went about town - Went here and went there -
Soliciting Solicitors to represent, But while she was gone
She forgot to pay out And was evicted for lack of rent.

So Old Mother Hubbard Her cupboards now stocked
Has moved in to this foot-fancy home, While the previous owner,
Reports have construed, Wanders the streets bereft and alone.

The moral of this story - Dear children, pay heed! -
The lesson I'm trying to teach you, Is that when there's a row
Don't be the last out - FIND THE LAWYER BEFORE YOU SUE!

Emily Byron

Upon the Gently Flowing River

The mayflies were all hatching
Upon the gently flowing river
The prospect of a snack
Set all the fish a quiver

The flies' attentions were diverted
Toward a newcomer to the pool
With his wings of feather and fur
Who does he think hell fool?

Yet from below a shadow rose
And from the bank there came a shout
He couldnt deceive his brothers,
But he easily tricked the trout!

Aria DiPasquale

Of Elijah Brown
Who wore a frown
It is my fate to tell.
His demeanor bad
His visage sad
He wished himself to hell.
On arriving there
He sniffed the air
And said I like this smell.
His friends did grieve
As he took no leave
To none he bade farewell.

They dried their tears
Quieted their fears
Then tried a shy soft-sell:
"You need to eat
Theres no need to greet"
Solutions rushed pell-mell.
Eli did not care
So they pulled his hair
And dragged him back from hell.
They fed him oats
And they showed him goats
Until he felt more swell.

Emma Rytz Seattle, WA USA

Hodder books was not overlooked
when they released to be cooked
the recipe for a magical oatmeal
made of a special orange peel,
a combination on which bears got hooked.

Isabel Small, Ontario.

Incey Wincey Spider Went up the water spout;
Down came no rain, Because there was a drought.
Out came the sunshine And made it even drier;
So Incey Wincey Spider Eventually caught fire.

*** Goosey, Goosey Gander, Nuclear propaganda -
They've built another Sellafield, And nothing could be grander.
There I met an old man Who dined on local pears;
He grew another left leg And waltzed down the stairs.

*** Oranges and potatoes Cost a fortune in Waitrose.
"But these are Israeli!" Said the bloke from Old Bailey.
So I said, "Don't panic, 'Cos at least they're organic."
"Peaches and apples!" Said the girls at Whitechapel.
"Where do they come from? They don't grow here in London."
"I do not know - I got mine from Tesco."

Rowena Sudbury

They hunted with hope, with smiles and soap,
But fainted with fright,
In the dead of the night,
As the Snark did alight
On a branch, all authoritarian.

But with each glance he took, they shivered and shook.
So he laughed and laughed
As they quailed in the draft,
And said, 'Don't be daft!
I'm tame as any librarian.'

It's the press that's to blame for my infamous name.
I've been much maligned,
But the way I'm designed ?
I can't eat mankind.
I'm, in fact, a strict vegetarian!?

Kristin Paulson, from Gainesville, Florida

Molly Zest (when young) as a rule, did not quite get the hang of school
what she thought was A, B, C was often really 1, 2, 3.

But Molly took what fate made cruel and made her "gift" a cyphering tool:
She's now a happy millionaire and code-breaker extraordinaire!

Lucy Worthen, CO (USA)

Jack Spratt could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
The doctor demanded that
A diet sheet be seen.

Five fruit and veg a day you need
To keep you fit and well
That may be so, she did concede
But you can go to ****

So Mrs Spratt her fat did eat
Until that fateful day
When after tea, she put up her feet
And quietly passed away.

Sue Dyke Whittington, Shropshire England

THE BALLAD OF OL' JOE AND MO.

OL' Man Joe and his mad wife Mo Lived in a semi near the wood.
They had no children of their own So would eat other people's if they could.

Mondays, girls' meat was tastier, On Fridays, boys' was best to eat
But when it came to Sunday Roast, A little bit of both was quite a treat!

One week's catch was very clever And before they escaped and fled,
They nailed their captives to the door Where they stayed 'til they were both quite dead.

Dianne Bird

Princess the Cat
She thinks she's the Queen
Especially chasing
A bird up the tree.

But who is the Queen
When instead in the tree
Chased up by the bird,
Is Cat Princess (the old Queen)?

Candace Bruce-Andrews, USA

from Letitia Thornton, Boise, Idaho

Grimple and Ida
(A Tale of Inter-Species Romance)

Grimple was a Boisean,
Grimple was a cat.
Ida was a proper goat
Who never chewed a hat.
Ida's feet were tidy,
Grimple's feet were quick.
Ida's hooves were polished black
And every step went 'click.'
Grimple once, with Ida,
Danced down to the fair.
They bought a bag of churros
With the money they earned there.
Their dancing was so dainty,
Their dancing was so fine,
They earned a bell for Ida
And a ball of sturdy twine.
They tied the bell on Ida's neck
So every step went 'ting'
And Grimple led in such a dance
It made the fairgrounds ring.
The men and girls and animals
Gave Grimple a fat mouse,
And he took it, and Ida,
To his well-appointed house.
There Ida and her Grimple
Lived happy ever more,
And they never left a scuff mark
On their polished dancing floor.

DAN DAN THE BUTCHER MAN

Dan Dan the butcher man
Decided to be a vegetarian
His wife was sad
The cows were glad
And the pigs just hoped it wasn't a fad.

THREE (SELECTIVELY) DEAF DOGS.

Three (selectively) deaf dogs
Three ( selectively)deaf dogs.
See them have fun
See them have fun.
They all went out to the park one day,
Andfrom their owner they ran away
She waswell fed up with them going astray,
Those three (selectively) deaf dogs.

SINDRI THE POLAR BEAR (OR THE FIFTH BEAR?)

Sindri the polar bear and his mum went
To the bookfest at Hay on Wye.
"Oh Mum! Look, a book! It's called The Fourth Bear,
It seems to be a jolly good buy!"

Now, the author was signing books that day
"Mr. Fforde, please sign, if you'd care."
"Of course!" cried Jasper, "It's lovely to meet
Such a pleasant and polite polar bear!"

The day wore on, one sleepy young bearclutched
His book as mum carried him home....
He was dreaming of forests and pudding bowls
And a book all of his own.

-D. J. Bird August 2006.

My baby and me
And Daddy made three,
All went to the fair.

We walked in the rain,
Were passed by the train,
And rode the carousel there.

I found a green basket,
Daddy a waistcoat,
And baby a fine Teddy Bear.

When home we would go,
My baby said NO,
And he slept his way home from there.

By Linda LaVine in Elk River, Minnesota
(This was based loosely on the idea on the question of where the three bears went for their walk.)

"Psycho Egg" by Michael Stone:

Humpty Dumpty bought a hotel,
Formerly called the Bates Motel.
An all-round good egg, this tale is sad,
For who would have guessed, Humpty would turn bad?

There checked in a female guest,
In need, she said, of plenty of rest.
Humpty gave her the key to Room 3,
Then rushed to use the spyhole in 3B!

Damn and bother!' He dashed to Room 3,
I will sneak in, she will see nor hear me.
At the hurry-up, tripping on a towel,
Humpty gave himself away with a howl.

Lady maybe, but no fool was her,
She whisked him up with a loofah.
Till all the best cleaners and all the best staff,
Would never get rid, the souffl in the bath.

Jay Estes, Ohio:

The Tree mumbled to his Three
Andnever mind his lack of wit
They propped him up and fed him lies
As the restcorrectly called him twit
Fear, Fear we all are here
Please don't tax yourself at all
It's so much easier, and much less queasier
Toceasethinkingandgo to the mall

There once was a Book with hook
Who told storiesofglory and Ruth
But the Words have been turned
Ursurped by theRight andnow it hasallgonewrong

Jack Tame of East Barnet:

Wee Willie Winkie
Runs and makes a racket
stamping up and down the stairs
In his hooded jacket.

Breaking Bus Stop windows,
Stealing from the shops,
They've given him an Asbo
for flashing at the cops

Rosemary Cannon of Oxfordshire:

Hippity Hop

Hippity Hop
The rap, it don't stop
We're dressed in designer gear
We've had our own phone
Since the day we were one
And a blue tooth is stuck in our ear

So hippity hop
We're off to the shop
We've money to spend in our jeans
We're dating on line
And although we're just nine
We've already entered our teens

Zita Hildebrandt of Canada:

The Inchworm's Lament

The minute the inchworm began
To measure the length of its hand,
The hand swept to seven,
The worm cried, "Dear heaven!"
And the Time Police jailed him again.

Cat's Life

Cat wakes up, stretches and yawns,
Looks out the window and sees some fawns,
Jumps down from the sill and out the door-
But the fawns have gone back to the woods once more.

Cat looks around a sees a frog
Hopping and jumping around a bog;
Butterflies dance o'er the daisies' heads,
Cat turns around and goes back to bed.

Andy-Lee Fry:

His Honor, Clotted Cream

Of the many people I have seen
There never has, no, never been
Quite a sight so damn obscene
As the magistrate made of clotted cream.
Thick and yellow, with a gloopy face,
He couldnt disguise, for every place
He went he left a creamy trace
Of a similar hue to grans old lace.

In the scorching heat attracted gnats,
His dried up bits often gnawed by rats.
Though he tried inconspicuously wearing hats
All across the town he was chased by cats.

A mistake he made, he fined a crone
For practicing witchcraft in her home.
She chanted an evil curse from her tome;
He awoke the next day upon her tea-time scone.

Ian Camacho

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too and said he was gay.

Robin Hersom, England:

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
ButActionAid came and paid To put them on the mains water.

Darren Sardelli www.laughalotpoetry.com

Little Boy Blue, Please Cover Your Nose

Little Boy Blue,
Please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet
And ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard,
And now she is sick.
You put out the fire
On Jacks candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason
Why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle
When he came to town.
The blind mice are angry!
The sheep are upset!
From now on use tissues
So no one gets wet!

2006 Darren Sardelli

Etienne Melese

Common Cence

There once was a girl named Sense,
Who picked people's pockets for pence.
But only one darkly night,
A man gave her quite a fright by stealing from her
back pocket, Hence.

Hence, she turned around,
With a frown,
To find the man had already dispensed,

Dispensed her lovely purse into his pants.
"Halt knave." she screamed and danced."Or I will be
forced to stop your trance."
The man with a laugh threw her purse in the path,
Trotting away toward the falling sun.

Nabiki Neumann:

Little Tom Snyder
Ate a Big Spider
While walking far from home.

Mary was livid
her face did turn vivid
And knocked Tom right in the dome.

The Spider it seemed
Fit Mary's big shemes
And now she was stuck to roam.

The mark on it's back
was the map she did lack
to treasures burried deep in loam.

Bethan Johnson:

Sleepy Sandra yawned and stretched
School she found too boring
The teacher found her at her desk
Fast asleep and snoring.

"My child you'll find that work is just
as exciting as your school life,
Maybe you'll be better off
As a husbands housewife"

Sandra jumped and ran away
The prospect just to scary
Her anger as she ran and ran
Killed the Christmas fairy.

Katherine Lennon:

A lad once found
In the mouth of a hound
A sheet stuck all over with feathers.
So he flapped and ran
As though not a man,
-And fell fifty feet to
er
meadows.

Though something went crack,
With the sheet on his back
He suffered but little real damage.
But pressure of fall
- pressure of it all
It stuck to his back human plumage.

Birds in flight,
What a marvellous sight,
But try very hard ? don?t be jealous.
It is hard, we have found,
To be so ground bound,
But to jump from a cliff top is perilous

Helen Hall:

Little Ms Leah
Went to Ikea
Looking to buy a chair,
She sat on a tuffet
Which woke and cried, "Stuff it!"
And she fled, pursued by a bear.

AliDave:

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
the hosepipe ban reduced them to
just just twenty pints per quarter

Goosey goosey gander
Whither shall I wander?
Anywhere you like, dear
Since they brought in the "Right to Roam" Bill in 1999.

Donna Rattigan of Texas:

Little Mister Spoil Sport doesn't like to share
he smirks and pouts, then snorts and shouts
and never seems to care.

Little Mister Spoil Sport
has quite a lot of friends.
He treats them nice when they agree.
That's where the friendship ends.

Little Mister spends his days
bossing people 'round.
His nights are spent a'polishing
his 'maginary crown.

-Little Sally Bookbinder
loved all to do with books;
the comfy feel upon her lap
the way they fill in nooks.

The warm wood of the hammer
and how the bone fold' slides
across the paper with the grain
before the razor glides.

She made so many bindings
her house began to fill
and soon the books were spilling out
and they continue still.

Colin Ramsbottom of London:

IT MUST BE UNDERSTOOD - THAT AT D.I.Y. Mr.BEAR WAS NO GOOD,
HIS ENTHUSIASM UNDERMINISHED
THE BATHROOM WAS NEVER FINISHED
DEAF TO HIS WIFES PLEAS
HE JUST POINTED TO THE TREES
MRS,BEAR JUST HAD TO GO IN THE WOOD.

MISS MUFFETT LAID ON A BUFFET
AMONST THE SPREAD LAY EIGHT HAIRY LEGS
IT JUST WASN'T THE SPIDERS DAY.

MY,MY,MY
AUNT SALLY ISN'T SO SHY
SHE WENT INTO TOWN
TO PUT IT AROUND
AND PULLED A PRETTY NICE GUY

THE BOYS IN BLUE ARE BLOWING THIER HORN
THERE'S ARAVE IN THE FORREST, THE BEARS ARE HIGH ON CORN.

OLD KING COLE WAS AMERRY OLD SOUL AND LIKED ADRINK OR FOUR
ON A DRUNKEN DARE HE MARRIED A BEAR
LAYING IN BED HE QUIETLY SAID
'MY ONLY REGRET ABOUT LOSING THE BET
IS THAT SHE REALLY DOES SNORE'

LITTLE BO-PEEP HAS FLOGGED HER SHEEP
TO LIVE WITH A POOR CHIMNEY SWEEP
HER MONEY'S INVESTED IN MAGIC BEAN FARMING [ ORGANIC ]
THERES NO NEED TO PANIC
AT TODAYS PRICES SHE MAKES A HEAP

Sharen Starkweather:

The Thwacks

TwHack, Twhack and Twhack,
Are all pretty exact,
Being triples you would think rightly so,
they are identical triples you know.

One Twhack speaks smack,
One Twhack speaks fact,
And the Last Twhack answers questions back,
So...Telling them apart takes quite a nack,

Oh, There is a trick,
It's so simple it will make you sick,
But I'm not going it to tell you,
instead I'll give you a clue,

The easiest to define,
is the one that solves this rhyme,
He is the one who guestions you,
The rest...you'll have to do.

Kate Mandalovic:

Ahm Pitt loved to spit
It bothered his wife, Elle-Bow
So when Ahm Pitt went to spit
Elle gave him a forceful blow!

Stephanie Thompson:

"Puppy and Baby"

When Puppy and Baby go outside to play
Puppy must make sure that Baby's okay.
He takes care that Baby will stay out of harm,
Like sustaining concussions, or losing an arm.

He'll watch that she doesn't get stuck in concrete,
Or eat the strange lumps that she finds in the street.
Or fall down a sewer, or choke on some grass,
Or talk to the hobos who yell as they pass.
And when they come home, Mum and Dad are so glad,
'Cause Puppy's the best nanny they've ever had.
And then with a quick, aloof kiss on the head
They hand Baby to Puppy, who puts her to bed.

Meredith Lowmaster:

John "Wolf" McRouder would sell his white powder
to naive young girls in red capes.
The girl got high and thought she could fly,
and fell with a splash in the lake.

DI Woody Cutter went undercover
and gathered evidence aplenty.
He siezed the wolf's drugs and arrested his thugs,
and Wolfie got 15 to 20.

Heather Nichols:

Goldfish eat them two by two,
Beware or they may come after you.
They have a lovely pleasant smile,
But beware theyre really just plain vile.

They ate Miss Mary down the road,
When she was leaving her abode.
And little Prince Tim in the house.
Was eaten with nary a piece left for a mouse.

So beware of the Goldfish,
Theyre an evil dish.
Because if you dont eat them two by two,
They will come after you.

SANEAlex

Mfone s@ on d wall
Mfone had a gr8 fall
All tech sales & all tech sup0rt
Said war-nt void end of rp0rt.