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The Daily Toad: Proudly disseminating sensationalised rubbish since 1645. 8th June 2020
|Dog Scientist Reveals |
Prof. Oswald J. Barksdale, Phd, leading dog scientist, photographed at a press conference following the publication of his much applauded 2019 paper: 'A theoretical description of doors, and strategies for revealing their operation'.
Dog Scientists were yesterday celebrating the publication of several new research papers that corroborate theories that up until now have been a matter of conjecture in dog academic circles.
The research had been led by Professor Ozzy Barksdale, PhD, the noted canine scientist whose landmark paper 'A proof describing the inability of reason within the evil squirrel brain' led to a dazzling scientific career that has spanned several months, and currently has him chief scientific advisor to the Federation of Dogs. His latest white paper took him and his team eight walks to compile, and is titled: 'Sausage suitability for canines and conjecture over spurious human theories over attendant health risks'
'For many years now the ongoing health risks regarding chocloate, sausages and general scraps from the table have been something that our masters have said 'is not good for us' citing very little evidence beyond the nebulous concept of 'greater perceived wisdom'. But our research shows that this is not the case at all, and after a robust, peer-reviewed study have found ample evidence to suggest that dogs suffer no greater attendant health risks to yummy snacks than their masters, and in fact there is a great deal of evidence to suggest that sausages and steaks may be harmful to humans, and should instead be disposed of in a responsible manner, such as a shallow receptacle on the kitchen floor, just next to the water dish.'
The good news regarding the truth over sausage suitability for dogs was accompanied by a ruling in the high court where the Honourable Justice Anthony Paws stated that the test case of Rex V Homo Sapien was, in his words, 'legally sound' and after further ratification, would enter the statue books.
The case, in which Mr Fido Wooffington, QC, argued successfully that 'dog rights of posession' did indeed extend to any and all food dropped from the table, and that such rights should be enforceable by law.
'Although not yet ratified by the Supreme Court,' said Mr Woofington yesterday, 'we expect this to go our way, which will then give us a precedent from which to expand our purview toward a legal framework for Minimum Daily Walks, a reappraisal of whether chicken bones are harmful, and the right not to go to the V-E-T. it's a big day for dogs.'
Josh Hatchett, Ace Toad Reporter,
Exclusively for Jasperland, June 9th 2020.
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